Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize