i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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