I don't usually arrange sex via text message
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
