Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
