So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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