No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
