i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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