u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When did angry sex become our thing?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
