I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
