Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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