Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
