we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am naked and annoyed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize