You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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