He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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