now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
