I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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