Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
