she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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