I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
