Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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