Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
