a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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