meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My life is pants optional.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
