If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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