Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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