Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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