if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
