the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize