I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
