If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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