i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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