so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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