My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
