we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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