Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
