The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
