Only a mothe r could love this liver
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
