The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
