If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
well you can't waste a boner
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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