So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
