I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
