i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
