apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
