Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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