We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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