we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
