Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
