The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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