Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize