he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
