it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
being pregnant is like rehab
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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