I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
