Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
