Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
