I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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