I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
