Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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