the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The best revenge is premature balding
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
