Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
