I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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