cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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